1. WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW TO LIVE IN FLORIDA.

• English is our second language.
• Some roads just stop for no reason and then start again; get over it: Congress Avenue, Lyons Road, Jog Road.
• Traffic lights aren't timed and never will be.
• We measure the distance you travel in time, not miles.
• If you travel more than 5-10 miles on any road in South Florida without seeing an orange Bob's Barricade, you're lost!
• If you miss your exit on I-75 or I-95, it's perfectly acceptable to back up.
• Once the light turns green, only three cars can go through the intersection.  Eight more go through on yellow, and four on red.
• Your blinker means nothing.
• Know the difference between Sun Pass, Sun Fest, Sun-Sentinel, and Sun Trust.
• Flip-flops, tank tops, and baggy shorts are also known as business casual.
• When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advanced warning and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood, or to Publix to stock up water, ice, beer, and potato chips.
• It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your generator.  Power failures are often (sometimes days on end), especially during Hurricanes.
• We have alligators here in South Florida, and they WILL bite you.  Don't be stupid, try to feed or pet one, or have your picture taken next to one with a leg of chicken in your hand.
• Clematis is a street, not a disease.
• Know how to spell Okeechobee because there is an Okeechobee Blvd., street, avenue, town, lake, and county.
• Jupiter is a city, not a planet.
• Do NOT buy a boat.  Make friends with someone who already owns a boat.  That way you don't have to deal with the headaches.
• There's always a Walgreen's across the street from a CVS on almost every corner, with more being built every day.
• When picking up a woman on South Beach, always look for an Adam's apple.
• Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays: not weeknights, or weekends, that's for the working folks.
• There are three types of dolphins: Mahi-mahi, Flipper, and one called a football team.
• It is totally acceptable to be living in South Florida, but not root for the Dolphins, the Marlins, the Heat, or the Panthers.
• No matter what they decide in Tallahassee, you will never ever be able to figure out your property taxes.
• Learn how to dress in layers.  It will be 95 degrees outside, but inside any restaurant or business, it's 65 degrees.
• It's normal to sweat when you are putting up your holiday decorations.
• There are three things you will need to survive a South Florida winter: a long sleeved T-shirt, sunscreen, and restaurant reservations that you make at least three weeks in advance.
• The same neighbor who smiles at you every day will be the first one to rat you out if you are violating water restrictions.
• Lastly, you can't say: "This is how we did it up north."  If you think that way, then go back.  You weren't born here.  If you were, you're angry that everyone else moved here.

2. WEIRD, BUT INTERESTING FACTS I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

1. In the 1400's, a law was set forth in England that said a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.  Hence, we have "the rule of thumb."
2. Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented.  It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.
3. The first couple to be shown in bed together, on prime time TV, were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
4. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
5. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
6. Coca-Cola was originally green.
7. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
8. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work is Alaska.
9. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness is 28%.
10. The percentage of North America that is wilderness is 38%.
11. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven is $16,400.
12. The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour is 61,000.
13. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
14. The first novel ever written on a typewriter was Tom Sawyer.
15. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
16. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

    Spades - King David
    Hearts - Charlemagne
    Clubs - Alexander, the Great
    Diamonds - Julius Caesar

17. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321.  (Notice the order of the final set of numbers.)
18. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.  If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.  If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
19. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th: John Hancock and Charles Thomson.  Most of the rest signed on August 2nd, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
20. Question: Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
    Answer: Their birthplace
21. Question: Most boat owners name their boats.  What is the most popular boat name request
    Answer: Obsession.
22. Question: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
    Answer: One thousand.
23. Question: What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
    Answer: They were invented by women.
24. Question: What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
    Answer: Honey
25. Question: Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
    Answer: Father's Day
26. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.  When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.  Hence the phrase..."goodnight, sleep tight."
27. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.  Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called "the honey month," which we know today as "the honeymoon."
28. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.  So, in old England, when   the customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them: "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."  It's where we get the phrase: "mind your P's and Q's."
29. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, on their ceramic cups.  When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.  "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
30.  Did you know that babies are born without kneecaps?  They don't start to develop them until they are about seven to eight months old.
31. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

    WEIRD, UNUSUAL, BUT INTERESTING, FACTS ABOUT CONTINENTS, COUNTRIES AND CITIES AROUND THE WORLD THAT I BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

    I) THE CONTINENT OF NORTH AMERICA.

     1) THE COUNTRY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
    The Eisenhower interstate road system requires that one mile in every five must be straight.  These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
    Chances that a road is unpaved: in the U.S.A. = 1%; in Canada = 75%.

    A) THE STATE OF ALASKA.
    More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.

    B) THE STATE OF OHIO.
    There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, everyone is man-made.

    C) THE CITY OF CHICAGO, ILLINOIS.
    Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.

    D) THE CITY OF DETROIT, MICHIGAN.
    Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road anywhere.

    E) THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES.
    Los Angeles' full name is: El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de LosÁngeles de Porciúncula, and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.

    F) THE CITY OF NEW YORK.
    The term "The Big Apple" was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930's, who used the slang expression "apple" for any town or city.  Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time: "The Big Apple."
    There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.

    G) THE CITY OF ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA.
    St. Paul, Minnesota was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant, who set up the first business there.

    2) THE COUNTRY OF CANADA.
    Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined.  Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village."

    II) THE CONTINENT OF SOUTH AMERICA.

    1) THE COUNTRY OF BRAZIL.
    Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.

    2) THE COUNTRY OF VENEZUELA.
    The water of Angel Falls (the world's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters).  They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.

    3) THE AMAZON RIVER REGION.
    The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% of the world's oxygen supply.  The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean.  The volume of water in the Amazon River is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.

    III) THE CONTINENT OF ANTARCTICA.
    Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.  Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica.  This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world.  As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert; the average yearly total precipitation is about two inches.  Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, ice), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi Desert.

    IV) THE CONTINENT OF AFRICA.
    In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, Algeria, which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years.  Technically, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island.  There has been no rainfall there for two million years.

    V) THE CONTINENT OF EUROPE.
    1) Spain literally means "the land of rabbits."
    2) The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy in 133 B.C.  There is a city called Rome on every continent.
    3) The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta (S.M.O.M.).  It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts and, as of 2001, has a population of eighty - twenty less people than the Vatican.  It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.

    V) THE CONTINENT OF ASIA.
    1) Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 B.C., making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.

    VI) EURASIA.
    Technically, this is not a continent, but Eurasia refers to cities and countries that are partially in the Continent of Europe and partially in the Continent of Asia.

    1) THE COUNTRY OF RUSSIA.
    80% of Russia lies in the Continent of Asia while the other 20% lies in the Continent of Europe.
    The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the Kola Superdeep Borehole, in Russia. It reached a depth of 12,261 meters (about 40,226 feet or 7.62 miles).  It was drilled for scientific research and gave up some unexpected discoveries, one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen - so massive that the mud coming from the hole was boiling with it.
    Siberia (in Russia) contains more than 25% of the world's forests.

    2) THE CITY OF ISTANBUL, TURKEY.
    Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.

    VII) THE SOUTH SEA ISLANDS OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN.
    The smallest island, with country status, is Pitcairn Island located in Polynesia.  At just 1.75 sq. miles/4.53 sq. km., it is a volcanic spec in the South Pacific and one of the most isolated places in the world. 
    Fletcher Christian - while in Tahiti (one of the Polynesian Islands) with his Tahitian wife, Maimiti - and several other British mutineers and their Tahitian wives, mutinied on the HMS Bounty, which was commanded by Captain William Bligh, and sailed 1,350 miles to the southeast to Pitcairn Island, arriving on January 23, 1790.  Fletcher Christian's son, Thursday October Christian, was the first child to be born on the island. 
    Today, there are about 50 people who still live on the island and they are the great, great, great descendants of the mutineers from the HMS Bounty.

3. YOU KNOW YOU HAVE LIVED IN THE 1950'S WHEN YOU REMEMBER THAT...

• All the girls had ugly gym uniforms.
• Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school.
• Nobody owned a purebred dog.
•  When a quarter was a decent allowance.
• You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
• Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
•  All your male teachers wore neckties and the female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels.
• Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes, or towels hidden inside the box.
• It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
• They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . . and they did it!
• A ’57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise in, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady.
• No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked.
• Playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game.
• Being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited the student at home.
• Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.  Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!  But, we survived because their love was greater than the threat...and we also had summers filled with bike rides, baseball games, bowling, visits to the pool, eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar, and—oh yeah—Hula Hoops.
• And, with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today.

DO YOU REMEMBER…

• Do you remember: Coffee shops with Table Side Jukeboxes, Mimeograph paper, peashooters, and when Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
• Do you remember what a Double-Dog-Dare-Ya was?  You'll see later what it meant.
• Do you remember Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy, Howdy Doody, The Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk?
• Do you remember: Candy cigarettes, wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside, soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles, telephone numbers with a word prefix ... (Raymond 4-601), party lines, and 78-RPM records!
• Do you remember when boys had peashooters and girls had cooties, we amused ourselves with Lincoln logs and Erector sets, it only cost five cents for a pack of baseball cards and a pink slab of stale gum came with it, milk was delivered to your house in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers.  War was a card game; it took five minutes for your TV set to warm-up, so you could watch Howdy Dowdy, Buffalo Bob and be part of the Peanut Gallery.  We talked over party lines, listened to 45-RPM records, used metal ice cube trays with levers on them, and stored them in an ICE BOX.  Nobody had a purebred dog, but we had roller-skate keys, tinker toys, slingshots, and played with popguns that shot corks.  We rode in a Studebaker to the drive-in’s and watched the picture shows, and you got two of ‘em along with cartoons, newsreels, and a travelogue - usually with pretty gals water skiing at Florida’s Cypress Gardens on one leg with the other leg held high in the air, while holding a flag with one hand and the other hand on a tow rope.  And, while we were busy doing all that, we drank powered Kool-Aid with granulated sugar and chewed on Bazooka bubblegum.
• Today, kids drink beer and smoke pot, while watching porn in their rooms over their satellite TV’s.  They have every electronic gismo in the universe: mobile phones that can dial-up anyone in the world and store memos, notes, books, photos, plays games, movies, and podcasts; holds every recorded song since the beginning of time; has a calculator; plus a global positioning device that can track a person to within one foot of their real-time location...anywhere in the cosmos.  It can tell you the weather in Bombay; how the stock market is doing; connects you to the Internet to surf the web for world news, sports information about your favorite teams in any sport; checks your e-mail; and it doubles as a camera that takes both still pictures and video...in living color!  It has colored maps that can tell you where the nearest gas station, restaurant, hotel, or amusement park is, along with directions on how to get there.  It can even track hurricanes!  And, it can be waved over any barcode device, in any store, in any country, to complete any credit card purchase—all this in a phone that’s flatter than a flapjack and fits into the palm of your hand. 

Do You Remember a Time When...

• Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe.
• Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, “Do Over!”
• “Race issue” meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
• It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends."
• Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a Slingshot.
• Taking drugs meant orange—flavored chewable aspirin.
• Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
• When "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
• Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles.
• The Worst Embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
• Catching Fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
• Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
• Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger.
• You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for free, every time.  And, you didn't pay for air.  And, you got trading stamps to boot!
• And, remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.  If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!
• And, oh yeah, one last thing: Buy my book: "REFLECTIONS FROM THE PIT."
  I Double-Dog-Dare-Ya!

4. YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 WHEN...

A. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
B. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
C. You have a list of fifteen phone numbers to reach your family of three.
D. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
E. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
F. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
H. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
I. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20, or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.
J. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.
K. You are too busy to notice there was no #G on this list.
O. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #G on this list.

5. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, YOU CAN READ THIS!

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.  Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are.  Aoccdrnig to the phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.  The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.  Amzanig huh?

6. IS IT ME, OR HAVE YOU NOTICED THESE THINGS TOO! 

Have you ever noticed, since everyone has a camcorder these days, that no one talks about seeing UFO’s like they used to?

Have you ever noticed, in the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird?  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Have you ever noticed how is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Have you ever noticed, or wondered, why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed, if he's going to look up there anyway?

Have you ever noticed, or wondered, why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 7. BEST COMEBACK LINE OF THE YEAR

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this police officer.  He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.  The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer’s credibility.

Lawyer: "Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

Officer: "No sir.  But, I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Lawyer: "Officer, who provided this description?"

Officer: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Lawyer: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.  Do you trust your fellow officers?"

Officer: "Yes, sir. With my life!"

Lawyer: "With your life?  Let me ask you this then, officer.  Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

Officer: "Yes sir, we do."

Lawyer: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

Officer: "Yes sir, I do."

Lawyer: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

Officer: "Yes sir."

Lawyer: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

Officer: "You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

8. "The REAL Miami Vice Drink"

It’s called "The REAL Miami Vice Drink" because after you’ve tasted one, it will transport you into a world of mental intrigue and adventure.

The drink has that "Miami Vice" look to it: variations of pastel, blue colors similar to those of the ocean.  For men, it gives you the feeling that you’re in a slightly swaying hammock—under a palm tree—with tropical breezes blowing onto your face as you gaze upon a gaggle of "babes" in bikinis, on South Beach, playing volleyball in the sand.  For women, you are one of those "babes" in bikinis, on South Beach, playing volleyball in the sand.   

It's such a pleasant tasting drink: not bitter, not sweet…just right.  It’s similar to imbibing lemonade on a hot day, only lemonade is much more bitter tasting than this drink.  

But, be forewarned: it has the KICK of Miami to it.  Like Miami, it's pretty to look at and taste; but, it lulls you into a false sense of security, then sneaks up on you; it can be unpredictable, overpowering, and violent. 

Two of these and you'd better have the Rescue Squad's number real handy.  And, your wife…or girlfriend…or both, better have a portable heart-thumper in the house and know how to operate it.  But, then again, if both the wife and the girlfriend—accidentally found themselves in the same house with you, unconscious upon the floor—even if either of them knew how to operate that heart-thumper, I seriously doubt that either would try to revive you.  So, be careful!  Forewarned is Forearmed.

1. Fill a very tall Tom Collin's glass to the top with ice cubes.
2. Pour the ice from your Tom Collin's glass into a cocktail shaker.
3. Add 1 oz. of Vodka (I prefer Grey Goose; it's the best).
4. Add 1 oz. of Gin.
5. Add 1 oz. of Rum (I prefer Captain Morgan's original SPICED Rum; it adds more of a distinct flavor to the drink).
6. Add 1 oz. of Blue Curacao.
7. Add 1 oz. of Jose Curve BLACK MEDALLION Tequila.  This, again, gives the drink more flavoring than regular tequila.
8. Add 2 oz. of sour mix.
9. Shake well; then, pour your mixture from the cocktail shaker back into your Tom Collins glass (ice and all) and stir.  If you do it right, it will fill the glass right up to the top, perfectly.

I'd like to see James "Sonny " Crockett, or Ricardo "Rico" Tubbbs have a couple of those drinks; they'd never make it to their Ferrari.  Oh! by the way, I heard that the body of that Ferrari really contained a Corvette engine.

9. ON AGING

AAADD; KNOW THE SYMPTOMS...PLEASE READ ON!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D., which is Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder; somehow I feel better, even though I have it!

This is how it manifests itself:

I decided to water my garden.  As I turned on the hose in the driveway, I looked over at my car and decided it needed washing.

As I started towards the garage, I noticed mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.  I decided to go through the mail before I washed the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and noticed that the can was full.

So, I decided to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But, then I thought: since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I might as well pay the bills first.

I took my checkbook off the table, and saw that there was only one check left.  My extra checks were in my desk in the study.  So, I go inside the house to my desk, where I find the cup of hot coffee that I'd been drinking before.  I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the coffee aside, so that I don't accidentally knock it over.  The coffee is getting cold, and I decided to put it in the microwave to heat it.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coffee, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye; they need watering.  I put the coffee on the counter and discovered my reading glasses that I'd been searching for all morning.  I decided I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water, and suddenly spot the TV remote; someone left it on the kitchen table.  I realize that tonight, when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table; so, I decided to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.  I poured some water on the flowers, but quite a bit of it spilled on the floor.  So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wiped up the spill.  Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only one check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.  Then, I try to figure out why nothing got done today.  I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.  I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail...

Don't laugh; if this isn't you yet, your day is coming.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

MENOPAUSE JEWELRY.

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day, so he would be able to monitor my moods.  We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.  When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin' red mark on his forehead.

THIRTEEN THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

1. Pass My Shotgun.
2. Psychotic Mood Shift.
3. Perpetual Munching Spree.
4. Puffy Mid-Section.
5. People Make me Sick.
6. Provide Me with Sweets.
7. Pardon My Sobbing.
8. Pimples May Surface.
9. Pass My Sweatpants.
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome.
11. Plainly; Men Suck.
12. Pack My Stuff.

And, my favorite one:

13. Potential Murder Suspect.

OLD IS WHEN: 

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means: I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means: you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means: not getting up to pee.

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER.

1. Sag, you're It!
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says: "Bend Over."
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

10. HOLLYWOOD SQUARES.

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes.

These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now.  Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

Question (from Peter Marshall): "Do female frogs croak?"
Answer from Paul Lynde: "If you hold their little heads under water long enough."

Question: "If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?"
Answer from Charley Weaver: "Three days of steady drinking should do it."

Question: "True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years."
Answer from George Gobel: "Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes."

Question: "You've been having trouble going to sleep, are you probably a man or a woman?"
Answer from Don Knotts: "That's what's been keeping me awake."

Question: "According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?"
Answer from Rose Marie: "No, wait until morning."

Question: "Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?"
Answer from Charley Weaver: "My sense of decency."

Question: "What are: 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'"?
Answer from George Gobel: "I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment."

Question: "Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?"
Answer from Paul Lynde: "Because chiffon wrinkles too easily."

Question: "Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries.  Are you going to get any during the first year?"
Answer from Charley Weaver: "Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries."

Question: "During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?"
Answer from Rose Marie: "Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom."

Question: "When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail.  What will a goose do?"
Answer from Paul Lynde: "Make him bark?"

Question: "If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?"
Answer from Paul Lynde: "Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark."

Question: "According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?"
Answer from Charley Weaver: "It got me out of the army."

Question: "Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?"
Answer from George Gobel: "Get it in his mouth."

Question: "Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?"
Answer from Paul Lynde: "Who told you about my elephant?"

Question: "When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?"
Answer from Charley Weaver: "I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him."

Question: "Jackie Gleason, recently revealed, that he firmly believes in them, and has actually seen them, on at least two occasions.  What are they?"
Answer from Charley Weaver: "His feet."

Question: "According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?"
Answer from Paul Lynde: "Point and laugh!"

11. THIS MATH TEST CAN ABSOLUTELY, 100% PREDICT WHO YOUR ROLE MODEL IS.

Try it without looking at the Answers.

Pick your favorite number from 1 to 9.  Then, multiply that number by 3.  Then, add 3.  Again, multiply by 3.  You'll get a two digit number.  Add the two digits together and you have a single number.

Now with that number see exactly who would make your ideal ROLE MODEL from the list below:

1. Einstein.
2. Marilyn Monroe.
3. Mother Theresa.
4. Babe Ruth.
5. Bill Gates.
6. Angelina Jolie.
7. Rocky Grazziano.
8. Adolph Hitler.
9. Award-Winning Author, Michael Berish, of "REFLECTIONS FROM THE PIT."
10. James Dean.

Did you ever doubt it!

12. HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.  The answer, by one student, was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands, and heats when it is compressed), or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell, and the rate at which they are leaving.  I think, that we can safely assume, that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving. 

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  Most of these religions state that: if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.  Since there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. 

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states: in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.  This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding, at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding, at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 So which is it?

If we accept the postulate, given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, that: 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true; thus, I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.  

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven; thereby, proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting: "Oh my God!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

13. WHAT LOVE MEANS TO A 4 TO 8 YEAR-OLD CHILD; FROM THE MOUTH OF BABES.  

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds: "What does love mean?"  The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."  Chrissy - age 6.

I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."  Lauren - age 4.

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day."  Noelle - age 7.

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."  Karl - age 5.

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."  Terri - age 4.

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."  Mark - age 6.

"Love is when you kiss all the time.  Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that.  They look gross when they kiss."  Emily - age 8.

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."  Tommy - age 6.

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."  Chris - age 7.

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."  Danny - age 7.

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."  Elaine-age 5.

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."  Cindy - age 8.

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."  Nikka - age 6.

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."   Karen - age 7.

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it.  But, if you mean it, you should say it a lot.  People forget."  Jessica - age 8.

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. Therefore, my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too.  That's love."  Rebecca - age 8.

"My mommy loves me more than anybody.  You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."  Clare - age 6.

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.  You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."  Billy - age 4.

 "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."  Mary Ann - age 4.

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas, if you stop opening presents and listen."  Bobby - age 7.

Lastly, the final example of what love means is about a four-year-old child whose next-door neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife.  Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old man's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.  When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

14. WHAT I BELIEVE.

I Believe . . .
A Birth Certificate shows that we were born; a Death Certificate shows that we died; pictures show how we lived.

I Believe . . .
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. 

I Believe . . .
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe . . . 
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words.  It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe . . .
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe . . .
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. 

I Believe . . . 
That you control either your attitude, or it controls you. 

I Believe . . .
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe . . .
That money is a lousy way of keeping score. 

I Believe . . .
That my best friend and I can do anything, or nothing, and have the best time. 

I Believe . . .
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.  

I Believe . . .
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. 

I Believe . . . 
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe . . .
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.  Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself. 

I Believe . . .
That no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe . . .
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. 

I Believe . . .
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret; it could change your life forever.

I Believe . . . 
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I Believe . . . 
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe . . .
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you—you will find the strength to help. 

I Believe . . . 
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe . . . 
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon. 

I Believe . . .
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything. 

I Believe . . . 
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

“It’s a life’s work to see yourself for what you are and
even then you might be wrong.”

From the novel: “No Country For Old Men.”
by
Cormac McCarthy
(Winner of the Pulitzer Prize for “The Road.”)